We’ve all seen that couple. You know, the one where the husband is a little (or a lot) henpecked and the wife leads him around by his dick. It’s so common, we make jokes about it.
“Forgot to take out the trash? Looks like you’re not getting any tonight.”
“You bought her a diamond? You are so getting laid.”
“After every fight, just apologize, and maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right.”
OK, that last one was Megan Trainor. But you get the picture.
“But Pixie,” you say, “A relationship goes two ways. In order to have sex, both parties have to be happy, so you’re just talking about getting your partner into a good mood.”
OK, I hear you. Sex doesn’t happen when one or both parties are in a funk. But I still argue that there’s a social script going on here – a stereotype that we expect. To test this, try this scene on for size.
The wife walks in the door, carrying a bag. Husband asks what’s with the bag, and she says, “It’s for you.” “For me?” He’s obviously excited and hurries to open it, finding an expensive watch. He admires it for a while, eyes glittering, then turns back to Wife. “I think you deserve a reward,” he says, seduction dripping in his voice. “Maybe I should do that one thing you like….”
It feels weird, right? A woman having to buy her man expensive things just to get sex? OK, maybe there are a few couples who function like that, but it’s not the norm.
That, right there, is a script at play. Men aren’t supposed to be the ones cajoled and pursued, they’re the pursuers. Women are the gatekeepers. The bankers. Sex is the woman’s currency.
When we tell women all their lives that a) their main source of power is their sexuality, b) they are the gatekeepers to sex, and c) sex is the thing they trade for emotional security, is it any wonder that they continue with this belief into their relationships? Withholding sex was, they believe, the main way they got anything they ever wanted in a relationship. And now that they’re married, they’re just supposed to, what, give up that power and spread ‘em whenever the SO is horny? Unlikely.
They’re going to hold onto that power. They’re going to continue withholding sex. They’re going to use sex in general or specific acts (like blowjobs) as carrots to “train” their men. They’re going to cling to that currency as long as they can.
When a biological need is held for ransom, every kind act becomes a bargaining chip. The man can’t do anything nice without the woman thinking that he’s just trying to get into her pants. And if she thinks he’s being manipulative then she can’t appreciate the nice thing he just did, even if it really was just to be nice.
And because sex is dirty, she looks down on her husband for wanting it.
But notice here that there’s nothing about the woman’s pleasure or sex drive or needs.
Once again, in order to be a good banker, she has to be able to give or withhold sex based entirely on her spouse’s behavior, not her own needs. She has to ignore her own health in order to obey the script she’s been taught her entire life.
Ladies, I know we’ve been taught that sex is our main source of power in relationships, but for heaven’s sake, it’s time to grow up. Would you say, “Well, you didn’t take the trash out, so I guess no one eats tonight”? No. That would be ridiculous. It’s time we treated our vaginas the same way we treat our stomachs; a vital part of our bodies, to be taken care of, maintained, sometimes spoiled, and often put good things into.
Partners-of-ladies, please be understanding. We’ve been taught that our stranglehold on our sexualities is our source of power, and we’re giving that up. It’s going to be scary. Also, those things that you’ve been trained to do only when there’s a promise of sex? It’s time to do them regardless of reward. Your partner is stepping up her game, so step up with her.
Happy sexing!
Written By Pixie Pele