I was with a group of acquaintances the other day, and one of them launched into a humorous story about how his wife had forced him to talk about his feelings. We’ll call him Joe. Joe’s best friend had made a habit of only ever talking about his own life rather than also listening to Joe’s life, leaving Joe feeling unheard, unimportant, and uncared for. Rather than address the issue, he was just going to let the friendship die when his wife insisted that he be verbal about his feelings. He made faces while telling the story and had good comedic timing and obviously expected people to laugh.
And they did. Haha, look at the manly man being forced to talk about emotions. He must feel so uncomfortable. Isn’t it hilarious?
No, it wasn’t.
Guys, I’m so sorry. As a culture, we have failed you. We have told you that it’s not OK to feel things. Even less OK to admit it when you, inevitably, do. The manly man, we say, hides his feelings. The manly man doesn’t need to go to counseling; counseling is for babies. The manly man looks a storm in the face, grinds his teeth, and keeps going. The manly man doesn’t have complex emotions to process. He sets himself a path, and with grit and determination ploughs through whatever comes.
Professionals have a word for that kind of grayed out, emotionless, exhausted existence. They call it depression. And it’s what you’ve been taught to strive for.
We have crippled you, broken you. We have taken from you the only tools to find acceptance, friendship, and companionship in this dreary existence. We have stuffed you into a box, stranded you on an island, and robbed you of the communication tools to even ask for help.
Is it any wonder, then, that men are far more likely to commit suicide than women? We have deprived them of the tools to deal with emotions when emotions get difficult. When women feel the kind of stress or depression that often precedes suicidal thoughts, they go to friends and are encouraged to talk things through or to seek professional help.
Is it any wonder, then, that the primary reason that a man joins a gang is to find acceptance? We have robbed you of the ability to form strong friendships on your own, so you need some radical outside bond to take the place of real, deep, emotional honesty and closeness.
On a small scale, this would be abuse. On a large scale, it’s culture.